Which comes first; the real life stereotypical experience of the father/son relationship struggle around which writers construct their fiction, or the writer’s fiction that permits and normalizes real life relationships to get stuck or go bad?  Like the famous chicken or the egg question, the answer may stump us, as we wonder if it can be possible to end the infinite cycle of ongoing hopeless inevitability that dictates the father/son relationship by restructuring our stories around hopeful possibility instead, both in fiction and in real life.

In literature, the father /son relationship often comes riddled with the father’s belief that good fatherly parenting is done best through the “manly” iron- fist method passed down by father to father to father, combined with the son’s yearning to feel worthy, loved and accepted, causing a perpetual and  futile battle between earning and showing respect. Each party’s need stands in direct contrast with the other’s, which prevents any degree of long standing compromise or truce that could result in an emotionally balanced and joyful, healthy  relationship.

Writers typically craft their stories to mirror these common relationship struggles that fracture the ever important bond between father and son (or between any individuals in any relationship for that matter).So many of the narratives we read, and the television shows and movies we watch, replicate the all too common rocky relationships between fathers and sons.  Certainly, as writers, it is our job to depict these relationship struggles to acknowledge their realistic existence, to point out they are indeed there, but also to take it a step further, to work toward mending the relationship during that creative process.  Like the Medical Doctor who makes his diagnosis first; his service will not be of any value if he stops there before providing a treatment to heal the affliction.

As we know, writing to reflect universal issues in real life attracts and engages audiences who experience similar situations. People in general like to feel they are not alone when facing tribulation, that they are not experiencing things no one else has, or that they are not reacting to the situation badly, unusually or incorrectly.  Reading about individuals immersed in similar circumstances helps to ease the pain, close the wound or soften the scar.  Perhaps even to provide hope.

In 7 Tips to Writing Father and Son Relationships, author Charles Yallowitz, in his epic fantasy series Legends of Windermere, points out the relationship hurdles facing fathers and sons and how to re-write these experiences into fiction that might distill murky waters with a more hopeful plotline. He says where once upon a time it was considered less manly to show the father’s emotion, that it was always the “mother’s” job to do that, it does not need to be like that, that this status quo can change.  He suggests this can be done by establishing the type of relationship you want the father /son to possess in the story, and grow everything around that.

 ….something about the father/son challenge turns into toxicity in writing.  Authors seem to want the father to be the villain or the son to be the young fool, which doesn’t need to be the case to make the story interesting or credible.  In fact, he adds; , The son doesn’t always have to be railing and battling against the father … and fathers aren’t always disappointed in their sons.  He further warns; This is a common trope.. . and the story doesn’t always have to involve the near destruction of the father/son relationship. While there should be boundaries between the father and son, and  the father should contain a level of authority instead of coming off solely as a friend.  Finally, he adds; Boundaries don’t always have to be pushed and broken.

Supporting the idea to instill hopeful possibility into the father/son relationship experience- to replace hopeless inevitability, many chapters of the bible convey messages to fathers about providing compassionate guidance and loving encouragement to sons, as well as messages for sons to honor and respect their fathers.  These messages of the bible inspire anger-less discipline, an uninterrupted steadfast flow of open communication and genuine acceptance from the father as he guides his son toward manhood, toward becoming a man with strong character, integrity and healthy decision making.  Some examples to demonstrate this idea can be found in Ephesians 6:4 :  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.  Or in 2 Samuel 7:14-15, I will be to him a father, and he shall be to me a son. When he commits iniquity, I will discipline him with the rod of men, with the stripes of the sons of men, but my steadfast love will not depart from him. And in John 5:19 in which Jesus said, “The son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing.”

Indeed, the son learns from his father -who like it or not is the son’s role model-for good or bad- by observing how his father leads his life, treats others, handles adversity and the manner in which his father communicates and shows emotion. In response, the son will learn to imitate his father, and depending on what he observes, he may learn to become a man of integrity, good ethics and morals, and of honor, or in contrast he might learn to hold in anger, distance himself, rebel, become violent and even get into trouble.

Author, Matt Fogelson, in the February 2026 Writers Digest article: Finding the Emotional Center of a Memoir, describes his own relationship struggle with his father and how he had to work through the emotional absence he felt.  Sons feel an almost primal need to forge connections with their fathers… It’s a need that probably goes back to the cave man and is as strong as the need for fire.   He says; if absence is something we inherit, presence is something we have to choose. 

Likewise, Writers Digest Editor Robert Lee Brewer’s October 2022 interview with Author Roman Tune speaks to those hopeless inevitabilities in Tune’s, ” I Wish My Dad: The Power of Vulnerable Conversations Between Fathers and Sons.”   He too discusses his own healing process through his relationship with his father.  His advice to writers is; Tell the story in ways that give readers permission to feel their feelings and heal and thrive.  Be courageously transparent by not just showing your wounds but be sure to show readers your scars because scars are the evidence of healing….. As a writer, you have the ability to inspire people on their journey of becoming the best version of themselves that they can possibly become in their lifetime.

In other words, reflect reality in a way that gently validates the very real hopeless inevitability that has traditionally dictated the plot-line around which the father/son relationship narrative has been written and lived thus far, along with the destruction it has caused, but to revise the plot-line this time with hopeful possibility as the fix, the treatment or the cure that has the real possibility to heal or at least provide hope.

In Jamie Ford’s novel, Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet, the relationship between father and son is told through the perspective of the young son Henry and his struggle with his emotionally distant father, who was controlling and rigid with his beliefs and subsequent parenting style, and also as father to his own son Marty years later as he works to break the pattern, to heal both old scars and new wounds he had been in the process of creating. The lack of meaningful communication between father and son was based on a lifetime of isolation…. Whatever stumbling methods of communication Henry had used with his own father seemed to have been passed down to Marty.

Although the struggles between fathers and sons are unfortunately and undeniably complicated and real, and as writers we are tasked to acknowledge and mirror that stoic reality, perhaps if we re-frame the narrative with a more trans-formative architectural design we can open the door for change that provides a brighter outcome. If writers, and individuals in general, pay homage to the seemingly mundane “un-masculine” positive father/son interactions usually benched to allow room for dramatic effect or to fulfill stereotypical expectations, and validate the subtle, although uncomfortable attempts by fathers and sons to connect that traditionally were viewed as too un-manly, unflattering or unworthy to highlight, or mainstream those awkward efforts each father makes to step outside comfort zones handed down by past generations and conventional perimeters, and if we encourage and admire the willingness of both participants to risk image, pride, control or rejection for the sake of love, the answer to the “Which comes first” question just might not matter anymore. Maybe then, the question will lose its attraction and intrigue once the current stoic father/son relationship narrative is torn down and rebuilt around a new and revised plot-line that creates momentum for change rather than to follow the same old outdated outline created by generations of the past. 

Then perhaps, there truly might be hope to end the infinite cycle of ongoing hopeless inevitability that dictates the father/son relationship by restructuring our stories around hopeful possibility instead, both in fiction and in real life.

Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (RSV)