Tag Archive | faith

Re-structuring the Father/Son Relationship around Hopeful Possibility

Apr26

Which comes first; the real life stereotypical experience of the father/son relationship struggle around which writers construct their fiction, or the writer’s fiction that permits and normalizes real life relationships to get stuck or go bad?  Like the famous chicken or the egg question, the answer may stump us, as we wonder if it can be possible to end the infinite cycle of ongoing hopeless inevitability that dictates the father/son relationship by restructuring our stories around hopeful possibility instead, both in fiction and in real life.

In literature, the father /son relationship often comes riddled with the father’s belief that good fatherly parenting is done best through the “manly” iron- fist method passed down by father to father to father, combined with the son’s yearning to feel worthy, loved and accepted, causing a perpetual and  futile battle between earning and showing respect. Each party’s need stands in direct contrast with the other’s, which prevents any degree of long standing compromise or truce that could result in an emotionally balanced and joyful, healthy  relationship.

Writers typically craft their stories to mirror these common relationship struggles that fracture the ever important bond between father and son (or between any individuals in any relationship for that matter).So many of the narratives we read, and the television shows and movies we watch, replicate the all too common rocky relationships between fathers and sons.  Certainly, as writers, it is our job to depict these relationship struggles to acknowledge their realistic existence, to point out they are indeed there, but also to take it a step further, to work toward mending the relationship during that creative process.  Like the Medical Doctor who makes his diagnosis first; his service will not be of any value if he stops there before providing a treatment to heal the affliction.

As we know, writing to reflect universal issues in real life attracts and engages audiences who experience similar situations. People in general like to feel they are not alone when facing tribulation, that they are not experiencing things no one else has, or that they are not reacting to the situation badly, unusually or incorrectly.  Reading about individuals immersed in similar circumstances helps to ease the pain, close the wound or soften the scar.  Perhaps even to provide hope.

In 7 Tips to Writing Father and Son Relationships, author Charles Yallowitz, in his epic fantasy series Legends of Windermere, points out the relationship hurdles facing fathers and sons and how to re-write these experiences into fiction that might distill murky waters with a more hopeful plotline. He says where once upon a time it was considered less manly to show the father’s emotion, that it was always the “mother’s” job to do that, it does not need to be like that, that this status quo can change.  He suggests this can be done by establishing the type of relationship you want the father /son to possess in the story, and grow everything around that.

 ….something about the father/son challenge turns into toxicity in writing.  Authors seem to want the father to be the villain or the son to be the young fool, which doesn’t need to be the case to make the story interesting or credible.  In fact, he adds; , The son doesn’t always have to be railing and battling against the father … and fathers aren’t always disappointed in their sons.  He further warns; This is a common trope.. . and the story doesn’t always have to involve the near destruction of the father/son relationship. While there should be boundaries between the father and son, and  the father should contain a level of authority instead of coming off solely as a friend.  Finally, he adds; Boundaries don’t always have to be pushed and broken.

Supporting the idea to instill hopeful possibility into the father/son relationship experience- to replace hopeless inevitability, many chapters of the bible convey messages to fathers about providing compassionate guidance and loving encouragement to sons, as well as messages for sons to honor and respect their fathers.  These messages of the bible inspire anger-less discipline, an uninterrupted steadfast flow of open communication and genuine acceptance from the father as he guides his son toward manhood, toward becoming a man with strong character, integrity and healthy decision making.  Some examples to demonstrate this idea can be found in Ephesians 6:4 :  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.  Or in 2 Samuel 7:14-15, I will be to him a father, and he shall be to me a son. When he commits iniquity, I will discipline him with the rod of men, with the stripes of the sons of men, but my steadfast love will not depart from him. And in John 5:19 in which Jesus said, “The son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing.”

Indeed, the son learns from his father -who like it or not is the son’s role model-for good or bad- by observing how his father leads his life, treats others, handles adversity and the manner in which his father communicates and shows emotion. In response, the son will learn to imitate his father, and depending on what he observes, he may learn to become a man of integrity, good ethics and morals, and of honor, or in contrast he might learn to hold in anger, distance himself, rebel, become violent and even get into trouble.

Author, Matt Fogelson, in the February 2026 Writers Digest article: Finding the Emotional Center of a Memoir, describes his own relationship struggle with his father and how he had to work through the emotional absence he felt.  Sons feel an almost primal need to forge connections with their fathers… It’s a need that probably goes back to the cave man and is as strong as the need for fire.   He says; if absence is something we inherit, presence is something we have to choose. 

Likewise, Writers Digest Editor Robert Lee Brewer’s October 2022 interview with Author Roman Tune speaks to those hopeless inevitabilities in Tune’s, ” I Wish My Dad: The Power of Vulnerable Conversations Between Fathers and Sons.”   He too discusses his own healing process through his relationship with his father.  His advice to writers is; Tell the story in ways that give readers permission to feel their feelings and heal and thrive.  Be courageously transparent by not just showing your wounds but be sure to show readers your scars because scars are the evidence of healing….. As a writer, you have the ability to inspire people on their journey of becoming the best version of themselves that they can possibly become in their lifetime.

In other words, reflect reality in a way that gently validates the very real hopeless inevitability that has traditionally dictated the plot-line around which the father/son relationship narrative has been written and lived thus far, along with the destruction it has caused, but to revise the plot-line this time with hopeful possibility as the fix, the treatment or the cure that has the real possibility to heal or at least provide hope.

In Jamie Ford’s novel, Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet, the relationship between father and son is told through the perspective of the young son Henry and his struggle with his emotionally distant father, who was controlling and rigid with his beliefs and subsequent parenting style, and also as father to his own son Marty years later as he works to break the pattern, to heal both old scars and new wounds he had been in the process of creating. The lack of meaningful communication between father and son was based on a lifetime of isolation…. Whatever stumbling methods of communication Henry had used with his own father seemed to have been passed down to Marty.

Although the struggles between fathers and sons are unfortunately and undeniably complicated and real, and as writers we are tasked to acknowledge and mirror that stoic reality, perhaps if we re-frame the narrative with a more trans-formative architectural design we can open the door for change that provides a brighter outcome. If writers, and individuals in general, pay homage to the seemingly mundane “un-masculine” positive father/son interactions usually benched to allow room for dramatic effect or to fulfill stereotypical expectations, and validate the subtle, although uncomfortable attempts by fathers and sons to connect that traditionally were viewed as too un-manly, unflattering or unworthy to highlight, or mainstream those awkward efforts each father makes to step outside comfort zones handed down by past generations and conventional perimeters, and if we encourage and admire the willingness of both participants to risk image, pride, control or rejection for the sake of love, the answer to the “Which comes first” question just might not matter anymore. Maybe then, the question will lose its attraction and intrigue once the current stoic father/son relationship narrative is torn down and rebuilt around a new and revised plot-line that creates momentum for change rather than to follow the same old outdated outline created by generations of the past. 

Then perhaps, there truly might be hope to end the infinite cycle of ongoing hopeless inevitability that dictates the father/son relationship by restructuring our stories around hopeful possibility instead, both in fiction and in real life.

Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (RSV)

It is All About How and Where You Place the First Domino

Feb28

Like tipping dominos, every decision we make triggers a chain reaction of events or consequences that either fall into place neatly like alphabetically aligned books on a shelf or out of place chaotically like a carpet of confetti on New Year’s morning.  We can make mindful decisions that are well thought out for intentional outcomes or we can make our choices hastily without giving them a second thought.

In the Writer’s Digest Feb 2021 article: Plot Twist Story Prompts: Forced Decisions, Author/ Editor, Robert Lee Brewer says the following:   How characters handle making decisions reveals a lot about them. Some people seem born to make decisions without a second thought to whether they’re right or wrong. Others agonize over the tiniest decisions and will shut down if given the chance. Whether small or large, each decision we make sends action ripples forward, altering the elevation, length or direction of our own individual path or someone else’s.

Take for instance, Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken”, in which two conflicting paths in the woods serve as a metaphor for making important life decisions.  The speaker in this poem ultimately chooses “the road less traveled by”, -a decision that “has made all the difference” pointing toward how a single decision at any intersection or junction can determine the entire trajectory of one’s life or at least an important part of it.

Complicating this further, as much as we like to think our decisions will affect only ourselves, they are not stand alone dominoes, each one an island, isolated and insignificant.  Every choice we make could impact other individuals and their stories or their part in ours, from family and friends to community, society and the world.  That first domino touches the next one, and the next one touches the one after that and so on.  One small decision, prompted by a single seemingly unimportant thought, idea, or judgment could invoke anywhere from a minor ramification to a colossal aftershock beyond repair.  Sometimes we might know that in advance and other times the consequences take us completely by surprise.

 As we know, an action does not become an action without a thought to trigger it, however; in between the tiny space between the two is the decision directing us like a crossing guard with the ability to prevent or cause catastrophe. And further, supporting the thoughts that impact our decisions, there are the contributing variables that further influence outcomes, some positive like faith, love, friendship, grace, mercy, and so forth and others that can easily generate negative results, like the need for immediate gratification, selfishness, greed, pride, sloth and so many more -each resulting decision serving as the first domino in a line of dependents. 

In Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus makes the decision to defend Tom Robinson, despite realizing he likely won’t win, attesting to his strong morals and belief that equality should prevail over racism. He further chooses compassion over the law when he covers for Boo to avoid destroying another man’s life.  Additionally, the jury engages in collective decision-making when they subscribe to racial prejudice rather than actual evidence. And of course we have Boo Radley himself who makes the self- sacrificing decision to save innocent children from Bob Ewell’s acts of evil.  All of these decisions are influenced by contributing factors like courage, ethics, morals, societal conformity, injustice, racism and more- both positive and negative.

In F Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, the naive and narrow-minded pursuit of the American Dream, the need to feel accepted in society, and the quest to follow love although blindly and irresponsibly, drive the characters’ decisions. Jay Gatsby, Daisy and Tom make careless decisions nurtured by reckless ideas of love and desire, selfishness and a tainted view of the world and one another. 

In E.B. White’s Charlotte’s Web:  Charlotte makes the decision to save Wilber out of loyalty, selflessness, love and friendship while at first Wilbur makes no decision, remaining passive- depending on others, until later when he makes the decision to care for Charlotte’s children in a chain reaction set in motion by Charlotte’s first carefully and strategically positioned domino inspired by love, friendship and loyalty at play.

In Victor Hugo’s Les Miserable, the characters learn the value of individual choices that have the ability to  transform life and society, choosing between redemption and  safety, between the law and mercy, compassion and self-interest, love and self survival, love and duty. Each character faces a struggle that comes with difficult decision-making -each one affecting another character’s personal confrontation with adversity. As Hugo writes;  “ The straight line is a respectable optical illusion which ruins many a man”.  In other words, nothing is black or white or easy.  One tipped domino might cause a chain reaction of ripples that can save or destroy lives.

And in one of my favorite stories, Frank Capra’s movie; It’s a Wonderful Life,  George Bailey must make self sacrificing decision after decision for the sake of those he loves and the small town he always thought he wanted to leave behind for “greener pastures”. Each of the dominoes he generously and selflessly sets up affects so many others, revealing the far-reaching deep impact of each one of his decisions, opening eyes to the more important purposes in life:  love, friendship, faith and family.

Even within the greatest narrative of all time, the Holy Bible, there are stories to reflect the varying consequences related to decision making that result in life changing outcomes.  Some of these include the Jericho prostitute Rehab’s decision  to hide Joshua’s spies despite the extreme risk to her life and family,  the decision made by  Paul from Tarsus to follow Jesus after at first persecuting Jesus and his followers, Adam and Eve’s decision to disobey God’s command not to bite the forbidden fruit,  Daniel’s decision to choose faith in God over fear for his life, David’s decision to face the Giant with only a stone and a sling as his weapon, Joseph’s decision to believe in Mary’s faithfulness and virginity so that he could father the Son of God, Moses’ decision to chose his Jewish heritage over the Egyptian protection he had grown up with,  and Abraham’s reluctant decision to obey God’s command to potentially sacrifice his beloved son Isaac.  This decision making in the bible that requires active faith and trust in God, always difficult, sometimes agonizing and yet not impossible, demonstrates how one domino has the power to affect other dominoes lined up in its path. Psalm 119:105, reads “your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path”, signifying that decisions should honor God’s word, which serves as a guide for life’s path.   It is our responsibility to decide and act obediently while God takes care of the associated outcomes; our decisions are influenced by what we place and nurture inside us to ultimately determine the journey ahead.

Whether we are the authors of our own life stories or of the fictional stories we create, setting up the first domino at the start of the line, we are the ones in control, the ones to whom our creator gifted free will, decision-making and fate. Whether we realize the effects that first domino placement will have on our own part in our own story or the effects our decisions will have on others who take part somewhere else in our story or in their own story, in the end it is ALL about how and where we place each decision-making domino that matters. Each one of those dominoes decides the connecting fate awaiting each of us or our characters in the last line of our story as the final domino either topples over in disappointing or tragic outcome or remains standing, ever-faithful, righteous, hopeful and strong.

Written words are not footprints in the sand

Aug31

I have often wondered what of me my children will remember. Will they remember how much I loved them?  Will they remember the many wonderful times we shared together?  And what of these memories will impact their life stories and the way they navigate through their own futures?  Will they take bits and pieces of us with them or will those bits and pieces eventually disappear like dried up leaves in the wind.

In Amy Harmon’s “What the Wind knows”, the author discusses this thought:  We were specks, bits of glass and dust.  We were as numerous as the sands that lined the strand, one unrecognizable from the other. We were born; we lived; we died.  And the cycle continued endlessly on.  So many lives lived. And when we died, we simply vanished.  A few generations would go by. And no one would know we even were. No one would remember the color of our eyes or the passion that raged inside us.  Eventually, we all became stones in the grass, moss covered monuments, and sometimes… not even that.

The idea of our temporary existence verses permanently leaving our mark within our small beloved circles of family and friends, or the expanded, larger circles of community, society and even the world is a question that I have pondered every now and then. Are we merely footprints in the sand, to be washed away with the next generational tide, erased as if we were almost never even here?  For how long will our descendants remember us?  Surely, one day all they will be left with are faded photographs with barely legible identity labels to mark our blurry once upon a time existence.

In contrast to our impermanent state, WORDS ARE forever.  The stories we write and read and share  leave immortal recordings of our adventures, passions, lessons, history, ideas, wisdom and narratives that transcend time like the stars in the sky, the waves in the ocean and the ancient trees inhabiting our state forests. From the Bible to ancient Greece’s Homer with his 8th century “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey”- to Aesop’s famous fables, to Plato’s exploration of ideas, reality and the ideal society, to Aristotle’s pathos, ethos and logos, and all the other great works of literature lining book shelves everywhere, words were written, read, analyzed and preserved for their present day readers as well as for future audiences, providing an infinite promise of timeless and profound effect on our lives.  

Prominent English writer, William Hazlitt once said; Words are the only things that last forever; they are more durable than the eternal hills. What truly shapes the world is not the physical landscapes we esteem or the material possessions we value and accumulate over time, but the written ideas and stories we grow from our hearts and our ever curious minds, that we pass down, read and remember that enriches our connection to one another and our creator, that honors our similarities and differences, and immortalizes our love for one another- that is most important and eternal.

In the Writer Digest January/February interview with world-renowned astrophysicist and author, Neil deGrasse Tyson, contributing author Zachary Petit asks Mr. deGrasse Tyson to describe how he came to love words;  Words can have influence beyond just the dictionary definition of their meaning, because when you string words together in a particular way, the sum of the sequence of words is greater than what they would weigh individually.  He later discusses why he feels the world needs poets (artists of words -or writers), he says I don’t need you to poeticize something that is already a visual spectacle achievement of this species.  Those are not the times I need an artist. You know when I need an artist? When I forgot how to pay attention to something, when I forgot how to love, when I forgot how to see the beauty in something that’s hidden in plain sight. And you force me, by the string of words, to take pause and say, “Wow, I never thought about it that way. It is more beautify than I ever realized, or it is beautiful in a way I never thought it was.”

In my own home office I have a frame on my book shelf displaying author Zadie Smith’s quote: The very reason I write is so that I might not sleepwalk through my entire life.  It is through the words we thread together that we uncover and give meaning to the way we see life, the way we feel life, the way we mold life and the way we live it.  By paying attention to and placing value on our surroundings- the people, places, events, and emotions and ideas in our world and by writing about it -we craft what Neil deGrasse Tyson says artists do so perfectly:  For me, he says, access to beauty requires an artist because they see things that are otherwise invisible to the rest of us. Words have that special magic to capture and magnify all kinds of beauty and to bring that beauty to life- and even further- to shield it from the aging process that eventually erodes, destroys or erases everything else.

However, while words can be timeless pieces of art, to be honored, admired and valued for years to come, they can also cause pain and irrevocable damage when thrown about impulsively, carelessly or in a moment of weakness, when shaped without thoughtful consideration for the consequent influence they might have.  Despite our modern technology that makes it easy to delete or erase regretful words on a screen, there will almost always be a permanent footprint left somewhere in the universe with the potential to leave behind a heart broken, a friendship cost, a promise not kept, an act of wrong-doing or any number of non-intentional results that have ever- lasting effects. Words are treasures to be valued- never to be taken for granted or abused.

We are here -for the minute our creator gave us- living as real- life characters in our own hybrid of autobiographical-fictional life stories, and as fleeting as our time is here, it is up to us to make that time inspiringly and optimistically meaningful in some way or somewhere- for someone- or some-ones- with our words…  The right words…The best words….The words that earn the right to outlive us.

 Like the fourth of July fireworks, with their short-lived but impactful bursts of red, blue, purple and gold that dazzle the smooth dark sky, we peak and then we fizzle out, ultimately disappearing from sight.  Like temporary puddles after a hard rain so very present in those moments, we too will eventually evaporate from the earth’s surface, one day gone with little to no trace of our existence.

And like footprints in the sand, we too will wash away over time while the words we leave behind will linger far into the future, long after the tides have been here and gone.